Setteling For A World Of Grey

I really don't know why I even bother any more, all people seem to do is forget. All I seem to be doing now is burning, and watching the flame that is my life dwindle in to nothing, with no one there to care and feed the fire.

I don't know why I don't automatically expect to be let down or have to remind people about plans now, though the disappointment of having to do it again and again is getting really old now. It just seems that all the important parts of my life are in a different fucking country and although all they provide is music and kind words, it seems to be all I have at the moment. One of my good friends is miles away, another near impossible to get hold of and the last I haven't seen since Christmas and keeps changing plans to meet.

I know a part of this could just be me being over-sensitive as per usual, but a lot of this has been building up for some time, and I know that if I keep it in much longer, I am just going to shut myself away with my music and my friend in another time zone. I am fed up of trying to be the perfect person in peoples life; always being there to help, always doing as I am asked, and what for? For my own mother to forget my birthday last year (my first away from home), for my sister to forget about plans that involve her own birthday present, my dad forgetting agreeing to come with me to get my first years results from university, to constantly be let down by friends and to be told by someone it took long enough to trust that they don't see a future with you. It takes a lot for me to trust people, and I don't know why I even let people in now, all they do is let you down.

For once I just want to be happy with my life and where it is heading, instead of always doubting myself and everyone else.

The Curse Of Writers Block

I don’t think that this writers block can last much longer, I mean, it has been like this for months now! This idea’s just don’t want to come any more which is just so annoying!!!

I had one idea the other week but when I started writing it, it just went off on some random tangent and when I read back over it, it was just crap!

Maybe it is just being back in Frome that has somehow zapped all of my creative ability, God knows my IQ seems to have dropped since I came back! I just can’t wait to move back to Cardiff, get a job and try and sort my life back out!!!

Decision

1.	the act or process of deciding; determination, as of a question or doubt, by making a judgment: They must make a decision between these two contestants.

2.	the act of or need for making up one's mind: This is a difficult decision.

How do you tell someone that a relationship is beyond repair, that they have hurt you too badly to ever go back to how things were? Every time I try I can never do it, I know things are bad now, but a part of me still doesn't want to hurt him.

I guess that even if I was ok with hurting him, I doubt I would have the courage to actually do so.

A big part f me wants to go somewhere on my own for a while, just go without warning and not have any way of people getting hold of me. Just so I can think, maybe even try and sort my head out a bit, you never know. But I don't think that will happen. Knowing me I would get lost or something.

Another thing is getting me down as well. I feel as though there is a big part of life that I missed by going to college instead of staying on at 6th form. All my friends from school hardly speak to me any more and it isn't for the want of trying. I'm getting so sick of waiting for replys to emails and messages.

I know I have never been that social of a person, but I do try. I have my reasons for not being too social, and I truly believed that some people understood that. I guess I was wrong.

Home

a place thought of as home; specif.,

1. a place where one likes to be; restful or congenial place

I am dreading going home on Friday. And I guess in my case, this definition on the word 'home' couldn't be more wrong. I can't stand being at home.

Since I have come to uni, everyone back home seems to have been ignoring me, even those I thought never would. The two months I will be there is going to be hell. Though I am currently thinking of somewhere I can go jsut to escape as I have a feeling that retreating in to my mind wont work this time.

Disappointment

–noun

1.	the act or fact of disappointing

2.	the state or feeling of being disappointed

Disappointment sucks. I foung out about an hour ago that AFI (the best band in the world in my oppinion) are going to be playing at Reading and Leeds this August. The tickets are already sold out. :-( Bad times.

Maybe I wouldn't feel as dissapointed if this was the first time it happened, but unfortunatly it is the second. Hopefully it will not happen when AFI do a proper tour of the UK supporting their new album. So hopefully I will get to see them at some point.

...

The past couple of weeks have been really quite shit.
First, I get involved with a friend of mine to find out it is just a bit of fun, though I am beginning to think that I was some sort of delayed rebound.
And second, I found out that one of my cat's back home has ran off and hasn't been seen since. So yeah a pretty crap few weeks really.

It is so tempting to just curl up in a ball and sulk...

Doubt

doubt

   /daʊt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [dout] Show IPA

–verb (used with object)

1.	to be uncertain about; consider questionable or unlikely; hesitate to believe.

2.	to distrust.

3.	Archaic. to fear; be apprehensive about.

–verb (used without object)

4.	to be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.

–noun

5.	a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.

6.

distrust.

7.	a state of affairs such as to occasion uncertainty.

8.	Obsolete. fear; dread.

Have you ever believed in something so completely, that you never thought that anything would make you doubt it? That has happened to me twice today; once with a good friend which started off as a joke and the second an off hand comment from a stranger.

Maybe I do take things a bit too seriously... maybe way too seriously in some cases. Or maybe I am just an emotional wreck at the moment, if I have ever been any thing else. Maybe I am the sort of person who is too caught up in the past and lies, trying to be someone I'm not. The thought of trying to find myself, it scares me so much, and for so many reasons. I mean, there has to be something I am hiding from, hasn't there? There has to be something that I am trying to avoid. I thought that it was stuff that happened with my dad, but I've delt with that. I'm sure I have. I just don't know what else it can be.

Numb

numb

   /nʌm/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [nuhm] Show IPA adjective -er, -est, verb

–adjective

1.	deprived of physical sensation or the ability to move: fingers numb with cold.

2.	manifesting or resembling numbness: a numb sensation.

3.	incapable of action or of feeling emotion; enervated; prostrate: numb with grief.

4.	lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent: She was numb to their pleas for mercy.

–verb (used with object)

5.	to make numb.

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Origin:
1400–50; late ME nome lit., taken, seized, var. of nomen, numen, OE numen, ptp. of niman to take, nim ¹

I'm becoming to be well aquanted with this feeling, becoming incapable of feeling anything other than the hurt that is being thrown at me by people I trusted, and part of me still wants to trust them.

Normally getting words out isn't a problem for me, especially when I'm writing, I have pages of proof, but now, when I really need them to come, they aren't. These words are taking a lot of effort to actually reach the screen. I guess that's what sod's law is.

I think my hands have stopped shaking now.

It really is how shocking how a really good day can turn right around in the space of one email, one link and one song. I think if I ever hear it again, I may just have to leave the room, I'm not sure.

The past few weeks have been some sort of hell inside my mind. I have tried so hard to make things better, but no matter what I do, nothing seems to work. I wonder why that is. Maybe there is something wrong with how I deal with things? Maybe it is how some of my words and emails are recieved. I really don't know.

I want some sort of feeling, a posative one, to come back. A bit of warmth maybe, the warmth I had earlier this afternoon. Or maybe some finality to what has been going on, though with the recent development of things, I have a feeling that it will never come.

I just don't know any more.